Honestly, you’re in the wrong queue. Take it to the fat man on the right. No, the second right, although truth be told, I would stay well clear of him today. His wife thinks she is a dog infiltrating a meeting of cats disguised as a litter box and wakes up every morning screaming the name Julian as fatty puts on his stockings. No his name is something bland, John I think. Every John I know is fat, so it must be his name. Nasty business anyway, best not to mention it.

I’ve told them already not to serve you.  They’ll know you’re coming and in many ways are expecting you so you could do worse than to show them the courtesy of a visit anyway. Also, tell that wench in the corner her pay is here and if her husband comes to collect it one more time, I have it on good authority that he will be publicly whipped into shape. Invalids can still feel something, despite knowing the order of nothing.

How many times do you think I’ve slept with that woman upstairs? Look, you’re here now and those files aren’t being processed anytime soon so we may as well talk about something. Well answer me this then; if whoever sold you this dream in the first place is currently getting on with his life, then why can’t you?

Turn around, will you? I don’t want you to see my signature. Actually do you have a pen? Never mind, this form has expired anyway. That girl over there thinks you come here to check up on me. Isn’t that funny? I was laughing about it before you came, which is strange as I’m partial to suicide.

I’ll probably quit soon. No I’ve already told my replacement that if he sees you he is to send you to fat John over there. In fact, they’re having the interviews for my replacement right now if you’re interested. Do you have any qualifications? Skills? I would highly recommend you anyway, but it’s not up to me. Besides, the position has been filled.

If you left now, we could grab something to eat. God preserve me if I am not famished! Leave that stuff here, the day will come for that and there is nothing there that your shame cannot already topple. No no, I just ate and I’m due for a promotion so please, leave the queue and stop distracting me.


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